Zoey Redbird and the Rather Nasty Dead People
by Ashabagawa
Summary: The House of Night is in turmoil. Neferet has gone a bit mad and the other teachers are concerned that her insanity will be an excuse for Ofsted to give them a bad report. Meanwhile, Zoey is sure Kalona is up to something...
1. Chapter 1

**Hi. This is my first fan-fiction so it might be completely rubbish!!! Please review so I can improve my stuff...**

It had been a long day at the House of Night, well night. It all gets a bit confusing sometimes. I mean, they say day but they mean night, because for vampires, night is day and day is night yet sometimes they come out at day instead of nightings for night with no day. Anyway...

It had been a long day/night/twilight/dawn/teatime/dark thing/ at the House of Night. Neferet had decided to be evil _again_ and the first few hours of the morning had been spent trying to sedate her as she tried to blow up the school using only a pineapple and half a carton of semi skimmed milk. Lenobia had found this scheme particularly irritating due to the fact she had just poured herself a cup of coffee but had not yet added the milk before Neferet ran off with it, cackling.

"Something needs to be done about this daft bat." Dragon said, during the meeting that was held immediately after Neferet was locked in a dark room on her own.

"Nice pun." Lenobia said, in between mouthfuls of black coffee.

"Thanks." Dragon smiled at her. "I spent hours rehearsing that one..."

"Back on to the subject of Neferet," Anastasia said, eyeing Dragon sternly. "We cannot allow her to continue being strange. The future of the House of Night is in danger. Imagine if Ofsted came in the middle of one of her fits! We'd get an 'unacceptable' which is unacceptable." The teachers exchanged frightened looks.

"Anastasia is right." Lenobia said, wincing as she swallowed a particularly bitter mouthful of coffee. "We cannot allow Neferet to jeopardise our Ofsted report. She must be stopped."

"Agreed." Dragon said. They all nodded, the prospect of the looming Ofsted inspection injecting a new sort of fear into the hearts of the assembled teachers.

"But what do we actually do, as in, plan-wise?" Lenobia asked.

There was sudden silence. The teachers stared at each other blankly or started picking at their plastic ring-binder files self consciously.

"Er..." Dragon said, awkwardly. "I was kind of hoping Zoey would come up with that part." The teachers nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes..." Lenobia said. "Zoey'll come up with something."

"Where is Zoey?" Dragon asked, looking round at the assembled. "I don't see her."

"No idea..." Anastasia said. "But she'll turn up soon. Now, who's up for Chinese?"

**Am just finishing chapter two...please let me know what you think...**

**Thanks,**

**Asha**


	2. Chapter Two Anorak Man

**Here's Chapter Two. Hope you like it. **

Zoey was in a bush, with Nala. A fact she was currently regretting as she kept purring noisily and making ladders in Zoey's new TopShop tights, restricting the stealth of her hiding place. Sometimes she really did feel like drop-kicking that cat.

Shifting her slightly so she was less inclined to cause her physical pain, Zoey returned her concentration to the two people she was supposed to be spying on.

Kalona was standing less than a meter away, wings concealed under the large blue anorak he was wearing. This was strange because a) It wasn't raining b) It didn't look like it was going to rain anytime soon and c) Kalona probably would never have been seen dead in anything that looked anything less than Emporio Armani or similar. The anorak he was wearing was in fact from Millet's and still sported the label 'Kag-In-A-Bag'.

The man he was talking to was human. Zoey could smell his blood, a talent she now found vaguely irritating, as most people have blood and a conversation can turn quite unfriendly once you take a bite out of the person you are talking to. A fact Zoey had discovered during a chat with a cashier in Asda's.

The human man did not seem particularly bothered by either Kalona's stature or indeed his unfortunate fashion sense. Instead, he was talking animatedly about the local morgue.

"Oh yes, lots of dead bodies there mate." He said in a Scottish accent. "That's why it's called a morgue." He laughed at his own completely unfunny joke for a few minutes and stopped only when Kalona cleared his throat.

"How many?" Kalona asked. His voice had a practised edge of force and malice and Zoey couldn't help wondering how long it took him to perfect it.

"Er..." The man thought for a moment. "Dunno." He announced finally. "About 200. Wouldn't bet on it though." Kalona looked angry. Very angry. Limb-ripping-off angry.

"Look." He said, his voice deathly quiet. "I need exact figures. How many corpses does the morgue possess?" Unperturbed by the suddenly threatening tone of Kalona's speech the man continued much as he had before.

"I dunno. But I'll tell you when I find out. What's your name again?"

"Kalona."

"Kalona? Weird name innit?"

"My mum was a schizophrenic. She changed people half way through announcing my name at the christening."

"I'm so sorry."

"No matter." The man scribbled down Kalona's name in a scruffy looking diary.

"What's your mobile number?" He asked.

"07757453876" Kalona replied and Zoey memorised the number as the Scottish bloke wrote it down.

"Right...Ok Mr...Kalona." He smirked. "We'll be in touch." The man walked back down the busy street without looking back. Kalona smiled grimly and turned in the opposite direction. Zoey pulled herself out of the bush and dusted herself down before reaching into her jeans pocket and pulling out her own mobile phone. After a few rings, it was answered.

"Hello?"

"Damien?"

"Zoey! Where've you been?"

"Spying on Kalona."

"Oh er...right."

"Look...have you got a pen?"

"Yes." Over the phone, Zoey could hear the frantic sounds of a pen trying to be located.

"It's ok if you don't have a pen, Damien."

"No I do!" More scrabbling.

"Damien?"

"Got one!"

"Right. I want you to write down this number: 07757453876."

"Got it."

"Really?"

"No. Can you repeat it?"

"07757453876."

"Ok. I really have got it this time. What is it then?"

"Kalona's mobile number."

"Jesus Christ!" Sounds of someone falling off a chair. "His MOBILE number?!" Damien asked breathlessly.

"Yeah. Might come in handy one day. Got to go. Am going to follow him." Before Damien had time to say goodbye, Zoey had hung up and was creeping slowly up the pavement, following the anorak -clad figure of Kalona. He seemed to be dawdling and occasionally peered in through a shop window. Finally, after what seemed like an age, Kalona opened the door of a newsagent's and stepped inside. Eager to follow him, yet determined to keep up the whole stealth thing, Zoey crept along the pavement and peered inside the shop.

Rows and rows of magazines, newspapers and e-additive abundant sweets lined the shop, giving it a cramped, claustrophobic atmosphere. Although she strained her eyes against the gloomy darkness, Zoey couldn't make Kalona out anywhere. Tentatively, she entered the shop.

The door made an embarrassingly perky 'ding-dong' noise when she pushed it open and she looked round at the other customers apologetically. They didn't seem that bothered however, one small child had his hand wedged so far in a plastic jar of cola bottles that Zoey wasn't sure whether it was stuck there and the only other customer, an elderly man, was engrossed in a glossy celebrity magazine. Where was Kalona? She'd definitely seen him come in here. Puzzled, she approached the till.

Behind it stood an acne-infested youth who was picking a spot absent mindedly.

"Er...hi." Zoey said, approaching the desk apprehensively. "Did a tall guy wearing an anorak just come in?" The teen surveyed her with distaste.

"Dunno." He murmured, still looking her up and down.

"Right." Zoey said, frowning slightly. "Er..thanks." She turned on her heel and left.

Suddenly she remembered something. She'd left Nala in that bloody bush. She sprinted back and found the cat nestled in amongst the leaves, pouting. Zoey scooped her up in her arms and headed slowly back to school, turning the whole Kalona thing round in her head...

**Please let me know what you think! Will start writing chapter three soon...**

**Thanks**

**Asha**


	3. Chow Mein

**I forgot to mention earlier that I don't own House of Night or any of that. I only own the Scottish bloke.**

**Anyway, here's Chapter Three...**

Dragon, Lenobia and Anastasia were all cramped into the third floor teacher's lounge, finishing off the Chinese take-away meal Anastasia had ordered earlier. The lounge was very small and sparsely furnished, the main decorative features being large blown up photographs of students with nut allergies. Lenobia had finished her Chicken Chow Mein and was getting tired of watching Dragon and Anastasia polish off theirs. She was not only stuffed, but also a bit anxious.

"Do you realise..." She began, slowly. "...that we have just locked up the High Priestess?"

"Yep." Dragon said, intent upon stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork.

"Well...don't you think she'll be a bit upset when we let her out?" Lenobia asked.

"What if we don't let her out?" Dragon said, his mouth full of Chow Mein.

"Of course we have to let her out!" Anastasia exclaimed. "What were you planning on doing? Just leaving her in there forever?!" Dragon's look said it all. "Oh come on Dragon!" Anastasia scoffed. "Let's be realistic here!"

"I am." Dragon insisted, putting his plate down on the coffee table. "Think about it. We let her out, this all starts again. The schemes, the explosions, the cackling." They all shuddered. "We leave her in there, we never have to contemplate her again."

"Until she starts to smell..." Lenobia muttered.

"Better smelly than cackling." Dragon said, seriously. Lenobia rolled her eyes.

"Look." Anastasia said, sternly. "We need to stay calm and collected. What we have to do is simple: Get rid of Neferet."

Silence.

"Ideas anyone?" Dragon asked hopefully. Anastasia and Lenobia remained silent, the nut allergy posters glaring down at them expectantly.

Suddenly, a ray of inspirational fantasticness shone down on Anastasia and she gasped, overcome by the ingeniousness of the plan that had just hopped, fully formed into her head.

"I have a plan..." She said. "That just might work..."

**Please review!!! I need some feedback to keep my brain fuelled!!!**


	4. Essence of Insanity

**Thanks Lil'Vampire 10! Am frantically trying to think of more plot! **

**Chapter Four**

Kalona twiddled the toggle on his anorak between his fingers thoughtfully. He'd had to wear the anorak to disguise his wings in human company. Something told him that turning into a huge monster was not a way to win over allies. It had been a long day, even for a fallen angel, and he was enjoying the cup of coffee an adoring fledgling had made him, despite the fact someone had misplaced the milk.

He was now sitting in the High Priestess' office, although the High Priestess was not there. He was mildly annoyed, Neferet usually told him when she was planning on going somewhere and today was the first time she hadn't. Twiddling a biro, Kalona thought over his day so far and all irritation at Neferet soon evaporated as he mused over his brilliant scheme and how well it was taking shape.

The scheme was quite a clever one, if he did say so himself, although he wasn't quite sure what the objective was yet. He had been told that an objective was quite important as far as evil schemes went and so he had decided that 'Taking over the World' would be quite a good one. It seemed quite popular yet no one had managed it so far, meaning that a huge fuss would be made of the person that did. Kalona liked fuss.

The plan was simple, but effective. After the ninety-seventh battle against good, Kalona had finally come to the conclusion that maybe the good guys didn't want to be bad. Kalona had nowhere near the man power to defeat the good so he had decided to create soldiers. Not from scratch as that would be too difficult and no doubt make his brain hurt and Kalona hated having a hurting brain. Once, he'd taken a bite out of a Cornetto and had got brain freeze. After killing the ice-cream seller, he'd vowed, not only to never eat another Cornetto, but also that he would never do anything that would make his head hurt again.

So Kalona had settled for creating bad people out of good people. Not consciously of course, as Kalona wasn't that persuasive and couldn't sell his way out of a paper bag. Kalona had decided to create bad people out of corpses.

It was quite a tricky process, yet with practise Kalona was sure he'd be able to execute it properly. It involved lots of having your eyes shut and murmuring strange words. Neferet was better at that sort of thing.

His thoughts were dragged back to the present and he ground his teeth in frustration. Neferet was not back yet. Where could she possibly be? What or who was more important than him? His stomach twisted in jealousy and he pouted. It was a practised, supermodel pout and it was a shame that no one was there to see it. Angry that his pout had been wasted, Kalona crossed the office to the door and stepped outside into the corridor.

He was going to find Neferet and punish her for neglecting him. She would regret this.

He thundered down the corridor, snarling slightly yet to the fledglings, he still looked beautiful and a few shot him coy, flirtatious looks as he passed them. Twits.

Kalona sniffed the air, a strange habit of his. He was attempting to sniff Neferet out. The faint wiff of insanity whistled past his nostrils and he followed it, knowing that it could lead him to none other than Neferet herself. The smell got stronger and stronger as he followed it, until it became a stench, right outside the door to a storeroom. He crushed the lock in his fist and opened the door easily. There, hair unkempt, dribbling slightly and strapped with tape to the desk, was Neferet.

Upon seeing him, Neferet wailed, her voice muffled by the board rubber that had been stuffed into her mouth as a gag.

"Oh shut up." Kalona barked and Neferet hastily obeyed. Slowly, Kalona untied her leaving, perhaps on purpose, the gag until last.

"Thank goodness you're here Kloney-Woney." Neferet simpered as soon as he had removed it. "It was Dragon, Anastasia and were really awful to me."

"Right." Kalona replied, absent mindedly.

"They gagged me and tied me to the desk."

"I know."

"Don't you care?"

"Not really." Neferet sulked while Kalona examined the storeroom thoughtfully. He noticed a pineapple and half a carton of milk sitting nonchalantly in the corner and pursed his lips. It was her fault he'd had to have black coffee. "Why did they tie you to the desk?" He asked, calmly.

Neferet looked shifty. "It could have had something to do with me trying to blow up the school using only a well known tropical fruit and the remains of Lenobia's coffee." She replied, sheepishly.

"What have I told you Neferet?" Kalona scolded, knowingly. "Whenever you feel like murdering someone or blowing something up, go to your happy place."

"I'm sorry Kalona." Neferet hung her head, ashamed. Kalona frowned slightly.

"Still," He said. "We can't have it look like it was your fault. It would be bad for press. No, we have to somehow turn this back around so it looks like they attacked you unprovoked." Neferet looked up slowly, a grin on her face.

"I have an idea..." She said. "Which might just work..."


	5. Cat eat Cat

**Please continue reviewing! Let me know what you think.**

**Chapter Five **

When Zoey arrived back at the Dorms, she was not in the best of moods. For a start, the whole Kalona thing was annoying as she still, after approximately fifteen minutes of walking, had absolutely no idea where Kalona had gone. Also, she hadn't been able to work out why he'd been wearing an anorak of all things and finally, Nala had been scratching her all the way home. Sometimes she wondered why she didn't just get a fish.

Shaunee and Erin were in the kitchen, tucking heartily into a bowl of raisins. Zoey just stared at them and tried not to bite their heads off as they entered into conversation with her.

"Hey Z!" They said in unison. Zoey only just seemed to realise how annoying that was and demanded her face arrange itself into a very forced smile.

"Hi." She opened the cupboard irritably and discovered someone had eaten all the bloody cereal.

"Damien told us about the whole Kalona thing." Shaunee said, popping a raisin into her mouth.

"Ditto." Erin added. Shaunee frowned at her.

"You didn't need to say 'ditto' there." She said. "Because I said 'us'. If I'd said 'me' then it would have made more sense."

"Ditto." Erin replied. Zoey downed a bottle of brown pop in one, focusing all her attention on the drink so she didn't separate Erin's head from her shoulders. Nala prowled along the edge of the worktop, in a slightly mincing way for a cat. Beezlebub, the Twin's cat was sitting on the edge of the worktop, watching her mince hungrily.

"Ditto means 'Me too'." Shaunee explained to a wide eyed Erin. "You don't need to say it after everything."

"Ditto." Erin said, before giggling childishly. Zoey and Shaunee stared at each other, exchanging each other's stony looks.

Suddenly, Beezlebub ate Nala.

"NO!" Yelled Shaunee and Erin at the same time, leaping up and running over to where Beezlebub was chewing happily on bits of mauled cat. Zoey stood watching the chain of events calmly, a slight smile on her face.

"Oh my god Zoey! I'm so sorry!!!" Shaunee gushed as Erin examined Beezlebub's mouth. "We'll take him to the vet's and have her removed!!!"

"Ok." Zoey shrugged, taking another swig from the bottle of brown pop. They made their way to the VW and stuffed Beezlebub into the boot. Zoey took her time driving to the vet's, something the Twins didn't pick up on as they were both far too hysterical to notice anything.

It turned out that Beezlebub had to have an operation.

Shaunee, Erin and Zoey had to stay in the waiting room while the vet did his thing. Soon, Zoey got bored.

"I'm going for a walk..." She said, gesturing towards the street. "See you in a minute."

As soon as she had stepped outside, she wished she hadn't. It was cold and the wind was whistling past her face. She contemplated going back inside but decided against it. She wasn't sure how much more of the Nala Fan Club she could take.

There were very few shops along the street and they were all a bit weird. There was a shop selling only tyres and a strange looking bakery where the woman behind the counter's hair seemed to contain more grease than all of the pasties put together. Zoey continued to stroll up the street until she came to the very end building. It was painted a dull grey and Zoey realised from the sign it must be the morgue Kalona had been talking to the Scottish bloke about.

On a whim, Zoey walked into the morgue and was greeted by the cool blast of air conditioning. It was freezing outside but the morgue workers had decided it wasn't freezing enough and had turned the thermostat down even further. There was a blonde receptionist sitting at a desk in the hall and she was looking at Zoey curiously. Suddenly, Zoey realised she didn't have a clue what she was doing here. The phone on the desk rang and the receptionist answered it. Although she couldn't pick up the words, Zoey could just hear the faint tremor of a Scottish accent.

Taking advantage of the receptionist's turned back, she exited the morgue and ran back to the vet's, her brain whirring.

Shaunee and Erin seemed in a slightly better mood when she returned and they happily told her that Beezlebub was ok and Nala was in fact, still alive.

"It's a pretty tough cat you've got here, Miss Redbird!" The vet joked as she manhandled a hissing and completely sodden Nala into a carry-cage. "You're lucky she made it through all that."

"Lucky..." Zoey murmured, eyeing Nala frantically trying to claw her way out of the cage, her eyes white and slightly insane looking.

They drove back to the school in silence, the emotions cooped up in the small car.

They found Damien and Jack in the lounge, flicking through the channels on the huge widescreen TV.

"What's happened?" Damien asked, looking from one to the other.

"Long story." Zoey sighed and flopped into a nearby armchair. She wasn't really listening as Shaunee and Erin explained what had happened to Damien and Jack, instead she was mulling over the day's experiences in her head, trying to make sense of what she'd seen.

One thing was for sure, there was more than one mad person involved...

**I know that bit with Beezlebub and Nala was a bit weird but I couldn't think of any other way to get Zoey to the morgue! Nala gets on my nerves too...you may have noticed. **

**Please review!!! Let me know what you think!!!**


	6. Plans and Procedures

**This chapter may seem a bit weird at first...but I hope you like it! **

Florence Forcett enjoyed her line of work as an Ofsted Inspector. Her glistening BMW was waiting for her, crouching smugly on her newly paved suburban drive and she climbed into it, checking her Estee Lauder make up in the rear-view mirror as she did so.. Oh yes, she did like being an Ofsted Inspector.

Before driving away immediately, she consulted her schedule. This morning, she was due at Little Tykes' Playgroup, in Langworth. She was particularly looking forward to that appointment as the Headmistress own a dusty old Ford Fiesta and she would no doubt enjoy parking her BMW next to it. Ah the joys!

Her elation was immediately exterminated however when she read the next school on the list.

House of Night.

They words stared up at her from the neat, printed page. Oh no. She was seriously not looking forward to going there. They were all nut-jobs. Everyone knew that. The last Ofsted Inspector to bimble, unsuspecting, through those gates had come back not quite right in the head. Why had the people in the head office given this job to _her_? Why not that stupid old bint Carrie who gave everyone 'outstanding' if they offered her a cup of coffee? Did the people in head office not like her?

Beside herself, Florence drove off haughtily to Little Tyke's Playgroup in Langworth. In light of her current mood, something told her that the playgroup wouldn't get an 'outstanding' even if they did offer her a coffee...

*

Dragon studied Anastasia critically.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked, dipping an eyebrow.

"YES!" Anastasia replied. "Now put this on!" She tossed the teacher's gown and cap across the coffee table and Dragon picked it up reluctantly.

"I'll look like a tit." He said, turning the garments over in his hands.

"That is not my problem." Anastasia said, dismissively. "Now, how are you coming along Lenobia?"

"Er..." Came a voice from behind the large dresser. "Ok...but the go-go boots don't really fit..."

"Oh let me have a look!" Anastasia said, moving over to the dresser. "Oh they're fine." She said after a moment's pause. "You'll just have to be careful to not step down too hard."

"What do you think?" Asked Dragon. He had pulled on the teacher's gown and cap and was prancing around the cramped office in the manner of Kate Moss or similar.

"Ok..." Anastasia said after studying him for a minute or two. "...but you've got the hat on the wrong way round." She reached over to help him and Lenobia stepped out from behind the dresser.

She had her long, silvery hair up in large pigtails up on the crown of her head. Sparkly pink eye shadow had been applied up to the very top of her skilfully plucked eyebrows and yellow lipstick and eyeliner lined her lips and eyes. This alone would have made her seem a little deranged were it not for the yellow leather cat suit she was wearing. Pink leather go-go boots were pulled up to her kneecaps and she seemed to shifting them around awkwardly.

"They really do pinch..." She was saying. "Could you really not find any size sevens?"

"No." Anastasia said, busy looking her up and down. "Right. Let's rehearse your lines..."

"I can't help noticing..." Dragon said, frowning at Anastasia slightly. "That we are the only one dressed up."

"My part doesn't require a costume..." Anastasia said, waving a hand dismissively. "Anyway...let's run the whole thing through so we know what we are doing..."

They hastily ran through the whole of Anastasia's plan, they had to be ready so that when the Ofsted Inspector did actually come, they would be ready to leap into action...


	7. Nine Lives

Neferet was quite pleased with herself actually. She'd come up with a fantastic plan and it had won her a place back in Kalona's good books. Not bad for an afternoon. Due to her good behaviour, she allowed herself a small indulgence in shouting at every student she came across, resulting in her walking around the school without there being another living creature within a ten metre radius. Oh happy days!

*

Kalona turned over Neferet's plan in his head. It was simple, but effective and definitely operational. It only relied on one thing: The Ofsted Inspector being incredibly stupid. This was where Kalona came in. If indeed the Inspector had inconveniently more brain power than a packet of sherbet lemons (although this was unlikely) Kalona would simply woo her until they were powerless to his affections. Kalona knew he was gorgeous so his task did not worry him, unless of course the Inspector happened to be male. Instead, he was a little bit anxious about the part Neferet had to play. Although, yes, she was rather pretty, she had never been a fantastic actress and Kalona would much rather the part had been played by that Erik Night bloke. Of course, Erik would probably never agree to help Kalona and, as was addressed before, Kalona couldn't sell his way out of a paper bag.

No, this operation would rely heavily on Neferet and Neferet alone. Kalona would just have to cross his fingers, or his wings if he wanted extra luck. He crushed the keyring key had been twiddling idly between his fingers into dust. Now all they had to do was wait...

*

Nala was alive. There was no getting round that fact. The whole 'nine lives' thing seemed to Zoey to be completely unnecessary and could definitely be put to better use. No one really minded if fish had nine lives. Cats however...well they got on your nerves after the third.

Beezlebub returned back to his usual self about an hour after his stomach had been pumped and he tucked heartily into one of Jack's slippers while everyone else was watching a pirated copy of 'The Wedding Crashers'. They all agreed that it was a huge mistake to buy it as they picture was about nine seconds slower than the sound. It had been filmed in the local cinema and half way through a particularly odd scene, someone nipped to the loo. Also, Damien swore he heard someone say "I asked for a bag of popcorn."

Despite the poor quality of the DVD, they were all enjoying the inadequacy of the film and were laughing heartily at a particularly bad scene when the sound of a car pulling up crackled in through the open window.

The Ofsted Inspector had arrived at the House of Night...


	8. IT'S ALL KICKING OFF!

**I have a feeling this Chapter is going to be very long. It might get a bit confusing but just bear with me!!! All the plans are tricky to cater for but I'll give it a bash. **

**Chapter Eight**

Kalona heard the crunching noise of tyre on gravel and he quickly crossed to the window where he saw a shiny BMW cruising along the drive. The Ofsted Inspector was here. Time to get Dragon, Anastasia and Lenobia removed from the school for good...

He quickly located Neferet in the library where she was studying lansanthromobotomy and dragged her back to the High Priestess' office. Tying her up was no big deal and it was easy to make it look like she'd been sedated against her will. Soon phase one of the plan was complete. Now for phase two...

*

Dragon peered out of the fourth floor window to see a sleek black car casually making its way up to the front of the house. Oh god. Now it was crunch time. He grabbed the teacher's cap and gown and quickly made his way down to the front of the school. He waited, huge grin fixed to his face, for the Inspector to get out of the car, anticipation rumbling in his stomach.

The woman that got out of the vehicle seemed stressed and preoccupied, constantly smoothing her skirt and hair.

"I am Florence Forsett." She said, indicating herself. "And I have come to inspect the school on behalf of Ofsted."

"Ah hello!" Dragon beamed. "I am Professor... err...Faux and I am the High Priest here." Florence studied him a moment.

"I thought the school had a High Priestess. A woman."

"We did...we did...she died last year...tragic...." Silently he cursed Anastasia; she hadn't given him any information to cover this part. He would have to rely on his improvisation skills.

"How did she die?" Florence asked, curious.

"She fell in a vat of bleach."

"Tragic..." They were silent for a moment, grieving.

"Well..." Dragon interrupted the silence, cheerily. "Shall I take you to my office where we can sort out the observations?"

"Why yes...but who is that coming out of the school now?" Florence pointed up the steps to where, to Dragon's horror, Kalona was walking towards them.

"No idea..." Dragon said, silently praying.

"What's going on here then?" asked Kalona, as he neared.

"The High Priest just invited me to his office to start the observation." Florence said, looking Kalona up and down. "And who exactly are you?"

"Secretary." He said unflinchingly. "And did you just say High Priest?"

"Yes." Dragon groaned. Anastasia's plan was going horribly wrong. He was supposed to take care of the Inspector while Lenobia took care of Neferet. No one had considered Kalona.

"Kalona!" The voice came from the steps. Anastasia had obviously picked up on the danger and was racing towards them, tottering around on her kitten heels. "Call for you." Kalona left reluctantly, casting furtive looks over his shoulder at Dragon.

"Anyway..." Dragon said, once he was sure Kalona was out of earshot. "Shall we go to the office then?"

"Certainly." They made their way there slowly and Dragon wiped the sweat off his forehead. This was going to be interesting...

*

Lenobia ran through the task in hand. It was simple: Get Neferet out of sight so Dragon can take care of the Inspector. She was outside the double doors that lead into the Hight Priestess' office and almost hyperventilating. This part of the plan had to succeed. The future of the House of Night relied on her being able to get through the next few minutes successfully. No pressure.

She opened the doors and froze. Neferet had been tied to the desk, much as she had before, complete with board rubber stuffed into her mouth. On seeing Lenobia, Neferet started squealing and, taking this to be encouragement to release her, Lenobia stumbled over to the desk and hastily started to untie her.

"No, no, NOOO!" Neferet wailed as soon as she'd removed the gag. "Stop it!"

"What?"

"Stop it! Stop untying me!"

"Why?" Lenobia asked, perplexed.

"I know what I'm doing! Replace the gag." Neferet hissed. Lenobia looked at her.

"This is another one of your schemes isn't it?"

"Yes..no, no ,no, no , NO!!!" Neferet wailed as Lenobia continued to untie her. When all the tape had been removed, Neferet slumped against the desk, sulky and defeated. "Why are you dressed like that anyway?" She asked, pouting as she looked Lenobia up and down. That brought Lenobia back to the present, and back to Anastasia's plan.

"I've been..." She said, adopting an enthusiastic voice that would have been considered patronizing if it had not been used on either an insane person or a very small child. "...to the future..."

"The future!" Neferet gasped, enthralled. "Really?"

"Really." Lenobia nodded significantly. "And I can take you too."

"Really?" Neferet whispered, aghast. All thoughts of Kalona and the plan had been whisked clean out of her head as soon as Lenobia started talking strangely.

"Yes." Lenobia replied, standing up as she did so. "Let's go..." This part of Anastasia's plan was simple too: Lead Neferet to a small, dark place, preferably with breathing holes and lock her in until the Inspection had passed. It was all going according to plan.

Of course that was when Dragon and the Inspector walked in.

*

Kalona was exceedingly angry. That Anastasia bint had just told him there was a caller for him and there quite blatantly wasn't. She must be in on the whole dress-Dragon-up thing. He was going to get to the bottom of this. He thundered along the corridor to the High Priestess' office, anger making his heart pump twice as fast.

*

Dragon stood, staring at the scene in front of him with his mouth hanging open. Lenobia and Neferet were standing, frozen in the centre of the room, Lenobia still clad in her eccentric outfit. Obviously Lenobia hadn't managed to get Neferet out of the office in time but what was all that duct tape doing on the floor?

"What's going on here?" Dragon asked sternly, remembering that he still had a part to play.

"Erm..." Lenobia said. Neferet still remained frozen. "I just found the maid..." She indicated Neferet. "...cleaning up in here and realised you wanted to use this room." Neferet looked up at her, confused.

"But I'm the-" She began, before Lenobia's hand clamped her mouth shut.

"We'll be going now..." She said, before ushering a protesting Neferet out into the corridor.

*

Florence watched them go, utterly baffled.

"What is going on here?" She asked calmly.

"It's the whole inspection thing!" Dragon said, lamely. "We're all just a bit excited!" Florence studied him for a moment.

"I'd like to speak to the students." She said, and Dragon sighed in relief.

"Of course..." He gushed. "Right this way..."

*

Lenobia marched Neferet down the corridor and into an empty classroom. Neferet managed to wrench Lenobia's hand off her face and immediately started yelling.

"How DARE you....BE LIKE THIS!!! You have NO RIGHT!!!" She screeched.

"Oh shut up." Lenobia snarled. An icy whip crackled across her face and it took a few seconds for her to register that Neferet had actually slapped her.

"Did you just slap me?" She asked, her voice shaking slightly as she tried to control it.

"Yes I did." Neferet replied smugly. "And you can't hit me because I'm a-" Lenobia hit her. Neferet held her hand to her face and gasped melodramatically. "You're going to regret this..." She hissed. "I will see that you do." With that, she turned on her heel and marched out of the classroom.

*

By the time Kalona reached the High Priestess' office, it was empty. He sat down at the desk moodily and considered his options.

There was no way of carrying out his original plan. Neferet was gone and Dragon seemed to already have gained the Inspector's trust. He'd have to come up with something new. Of course, there was his BIG plan. The one that involved resurrecting corpses. He sat back in his chair and frantically thought of a way to combine the two...

*

Zoey and the gang were just about to start 'Resident Evil' when Dragon walked in with the Ofsted Inspector. They all froze, stunned by Dragon's strange apparel.

"Hello everyone." He said, nervously. "I'm just showing the Inspector round." Florence waved cheerily. "But of course, you all know that...what with me being the HIGH PRIEST and all that." He smiled significantly at them.

"High Priest?" Damien asked. "But what happened to N-" Dragon shook his head frantically.

"Fly." He said to Florence. "Had to get rid of it." He started swatting at the air around him.

"Do you enjoy your schooling here at the House of Night?" Florence asked Shaunee.

"Definitely." Shaunee grinned sycophantically up at her. "We all love it here."

"Ditto." Added Erin.

"You don't need to say 'ditto' there..." Shaunee said through gritted teeth. "...because I said 'we' not 'I'" Erin stared at her blankly.

"And what about you?" Florence turned to Damien. "Do you like your school?"

"Yep." Damien said absent mindedly as he was still staring at Dragon.

"Well." Florence said, smoothing out her skirt. "I think that'll be all...I'll get back to you with the results soon..." She smiled and followed Dragon out of the lounge.

"What the hell was that all about?" Damien asked. No one could answer him.

*

Meanwhile, Kalona was congratulating himself. He knew exactly what to do. Now all he had to do was do it...

**Thought I'd leave this Chapter there for now. Hope it wasn't too complicated! Weird I know. It was a severe case of make-it-up-as-you-go-along!!!**

**Hope you liked it!!!**

**Asha **


	9. Body Bags

**Chapter Nine – Body Bags**

The Scottish guy, whose name was actually John McKlean, was sitting back in his office chair, enjoying the sensation of the office fan blow his hair back in the manner of Charlie's Angels or similar. He was seriously considering doing a J-lo impression when the phone on his desk rang.

"Hello?" He said.

"Hello Mr McKlean. It's Kalona here."

"Aah. Mr Kalona! The guy with the schizophrenic mother?"

"Yeah. That's me. Look, did you find out how many bodies there are in total at your morgue?"

"Yeah." McKlean flicked through the notes on his desk. "284 altogether. Although two are leaving tomorrow. Not that they realise it though!!!" He laughed again at his own unfunny joke. "That answer your question?"

"Yeah. Thanks Mr McKlean."

"No problem laddie. Bye."

"Bye" Kalona hung up, happy. This would just be too easy...

*

Dragon escorted Florence back to her BMW.

"Well," She said, opening the door. "I think I've got enough to work with..." She looked him up and down. "I'll be in contact within three days." With a nod, she climbed into the car and slammed the door behind her. Dragon watched her leave, waving.

*

Kalona drove to the morgue, childishly excited. He had to stop himself from singing. This would defy anything anyone had every done before. It was clever, wicked and ingenious. He giggled to himself. This was going to be fun...

He pulled up outside the morgue, desperately trying to stop himself from giggling. He entered, any attempt at being suave was destroyed by the huge grin that was plastered all over his face. The receptionist stared at him. Normally when people entered a morgue, they were a little more subdued.

"Can I help?" She asked.

"No." He replied, before bursting through the double doors at the other end of the waiting room.

"SIR!!!" The receptionist screeched, tottering after him in her kitten heels. "THAT IS A RESTRICTED AREA!!"

Kalona took absolutely no notice of her whatsoever and continued his journey down the corridor. There was another set of double doors at the end and he burst through those too. Perhaps he burst through them a little too literally, as the large doors spun off their hinges and fell with a clatter to the floor.

"Oops!" Kalona giggled. He found himself in a large, white room, filled with what looked like big, square, blue lockers. Each locker had a lock on hit, a minor irritation.

He marched over to the nearest one and pulled the blue, plastic door back, snapping off the lock.

"Sir!!!" The receptionist had caught up with him. "I must insist you return to the waiting room..." She panted, breathlessly. "You are not allowed in here." Kalona glared at her before handing her the broken bit of locker. She stared at it, wide eyed before running back to the reception area, squealing in terror. Kalona giggled to himself before pulling open the drawer of the locker.

Inside, was a black body bag. Inside the body bag was a body. Kalona focused all his energy on the bag and muttered a few words. Suddenly, the zip started to move along, opening up the bag...


	10. It's Not Easy Being Dead

**Chapter Ten – It's Not Easy Being Dead**

Being dead isn't all it's cracked up to be. Boring, if anything, as staring at the same bit of complete blackness, paralyzed and unmoving isn't exactly riveting. So it was with a kind of refreshing relief that Jacob Hinderson found himself alive again.

Jacob had been in the body bag for twenty-seven hours. Twenty-seven hours of doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. Twenty-seven hours of complete and utter boredom. This considered, I'm sure you could understand his relief at the whole resurrection thing.

It came first as a slight tingling in his toes. He wiggled them slowly, not daring to believe what was actually happening to him. The sensation gradually migrated up his body, until finally, he blinked.

The darkness he saw then was not the same sort of darkness he had spent the last twenty-seven hours in. This darkness was different, penetrable. He reached out and felt his movements restricted by something, some kind of canvas. He felt along it and finally came to some sort of seam thing in the bag. It was a zip.

He shoved his finger through the gap at the top end of the bag and pulled, light splintering in through the opened up fastening.

His eyes slowly adjusted to the brightness and he started to take in his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was a large face, blocking his line of vision, staring down at the bag Jacob was nestled into.

"It worked!" The face grinned down at him. "IT WORKED!!!" The face disappeared and Jacob could hear the footsteps of an elaborate victory dance coupled together with the chorus of manic whooping.

Slowly, he pulled himself up into a sitting position.

He was sitting in the bag, on some kind of blue tray, a kind of drawer thing which seemed to slide into a blue locker. The door of the locker lay, broken and useless on the laminate floor tiles.

The face that had been peering down at him now belonged to a body, a body that was dancing enthusiastically all around the room. It was also clad in a bulky, navy blue anorak, a garment that didn't really seem to fit the muscular and trim physique of the man now dancing.

The man suddenly stopped and grinned down at Jacob.

"You my friend," He said. "...are a miracle." Jacob grinned back.

"Am I alive then?" He asked, turning round and pulling himself off the tray. "For good?"

"Think so..." The man studied him for a moment. "But, as your creator, I must ask you to make a vow, a vow that can never be broken, in return for granting you a new life."

"Of course...anything..." Jacob said, examining his hands and flexing them experimentally.

"You have to do exactly what I say...all the time."

"Err..." Jacob considered. This was a bit of a tall order...but this bloke had just resurrected him. "Alright." Jacob studied him. "But I never want to have to go through that again." He gestured towards the empty, canvas bag. "Ever." The man grinned.

"Agreed." He said, extending a hand. "My name is Kalona."

"Jacob Hinderson." They shook.

"Nice to meet you, Jacob Hinderson." Kalona said, smiling.

"Nice to meet you too, Kalona." Kalona turned back to the room.

"Stand back." He said, suddenly businesslike. Jacob found himself standing back, almost unconsciously. Kalona threw his arms wide, as if embracing the world. Jacob found himself wanting to giggle but discovered be was unable to. Weird.

Kalona spoke a few strange words, words from a language Jacob couldn't place. They obviously meant something however, as immediately the drawers in every single locker slammed open, snapping off the locks.

Groaning could be heard, a kind of, corny, clichéd groaning that Jacob couldn't place. The body bags on the trays all stood up, a bizarre image. Kalona frowned slightly.

"Hang on..." He muttered. The bags all unzipped themselves, tearing the canvas from the inside out. It was then that Jacob remembered where he had heard the groaning from.

Zombies were emerging from the body bags, encrusted in blood, eyes wide and bloodshot. They started to move forward, arms outstretched, hands reaching out towards Kalona and Jacob. A few hadn't managed to get their feet out of the bags properly before they started walking and had tripped up, where they now lay writhing on the floor, frantically trying to get their feet unhooked from the canvas bags. The ones that weren't on the floor however, were now staggering closer to Kalona and Jacob, becoming more and more sinister by the second...

"What the-" Kalona murmured.

"RUN!!!" yelled Jacob, grabbing Kalona by the cuff of his anorak and dragging him through the splintered double doors and back up the corridor to the reception room.

The receptionist looked up, wide eyed as they sprinted back into the waiting area, a horde of man-eating Zombies on their tail.

"EEEK!" She squealed and ducked down to hide behind her desk as the Zombies came, hissing and groaning, into the small room.

Kalona dragged Jacob out of the morgue and into his flash Aston Martin Vanquish, where he drove off quickly, not bothering with a seat belt.

"What the hell happened there then?" Jacob asked, breathless. "You managed to do me alright." Kalona was quiet for a minute.

"I think..." He began, tentatively. "That it was a case of me focusing all my power on you, whereas the power I gave to them had to be shared out among them. They are undead, but nowhere near as powerful or strong as you or I. They can't really think for themselves either, they're very animalistic in their behaviour."

"Oh..." Jacob said, confused. "So what're they going to do then?"

"What's the most important thing to an animal?" Kalona asked, tearing his gaze away from the busy road to stare him in the face.

"Food..." They said together, oblivious that the horde of Zombies was in fact following them back to the school...


	11. Two Vampires and a Human

**I thought I'd quickly have a chapter with Erik, Heath and Stark as we haven't heard from them yet. Thought I'd stick it in here to break up the tenseness. Hope you like it...**

**Chapter Eleven – Two Vampires and a Human**

The McDonald's was crowded with young children, stressed mothers and awkward teens, all squeezed around circular, Formica tables, tucking into McFries, McChips and McDrinks, starting to feel a little bit McSick.

The crowded room was full of squeals, cursing, shrill reprimands and grunting, mainly from the male teens, although one table in particular remained perfectly silent, its three occupants consuming their fast food reluctantly, occasionally shooting harsh looks at each other.

The three young men that were sitting around the table would have come across as perfectly normal, where it not for the vampire marks two of them were sporting. There were two vampires sitting at the table, a dark haired male vampire and a sandy haired 'red' vampire. The only human at the table was blonde, and seemed completely unperturbed by the fact he was eating his lunch with two supernatural creatures.

"I reckon that Ronald McDonald's on drugs..." Heath the Human mused, chewing his fries thoughtfully. Erik the Dark Haired One shot him a sceptical look. "Seriously," Heath went on. "He's not normal...no one's skin is really that white...well apart from Wacko Jacko but he's no longer with us. Rest in peace and all that..." Stark the Sandy Haired One glared at him over his Big Mac.

"Ronald McDonald is a clown." He said, narrowing his eyes. "Clowns have unnaturally pale skin."

"You're one to talk..." Heath said, looking Stark up and down. "Vampire Boy. You look like someone's coloured you in with Tip-Ex."

"Oi." Stark said, wagging his finger at Heath threateningly. "One more word Human...one more word and I'll decapitate you with this piece of lettuce..."

"And that's a _slow_ death..." Erik added.

"Alright, alright!" Heath said, holding his hands up in surrender. "But it's not my fault he's albino." Stark waggled the lettuce at him, a grim look on his face.

"Shut up, Heath." Erik said, tucking into his Quarter-Pounder-With-Cheese.

"Fine." Heath followed suit, Tomato Ketchup dribbling down his chin. Stark pulled a face, apparently repulsed by Heath's table manners and put the lettuce down.

"Albino!" Heath yelled as soon as the lettuce was safely on the table. Stark snatched it up again and waved it in his face, a manic glint in his eye.

"I'll do it you know! I'll do it!!!" Stark yelled at him, spitting in his face. "Do you want me to do it? 'Coz I will!!!"

"Err...guys?" Erik said quietly, and gestured to the tables around them. The once bustling resteraunt was now silent, with all the customers and employees staring openly at the vampire throttling the human with one hand and brandishing a lettuce leaf with the other. Stark grinned unconvincingly and backed away from Heath slowly.

"We'll be leaving now..." Erik announced to the room at large. "Don't mind us..." They backed out of the now completely silent restaurant, moody and still hungry.

"I didn't even get to finish my Big Mac..." Stark muttered. "And it's all because of you..."

"You were the one with the lettuce!" Heath protested, his voice slightly squeaky. They were on the main road now, walking slowly back to the school.

Suddenly, an Aston Martin Vanquish whizzed past them in the direction of the school, causing them to stare after it in open mouthed shock.

"Wasn't that Kalona's car?" Erik asked, dumbstruck.

"Yep..." Stark replied. "But more importantly...who the hell are they?" He pointed over to the road where a gaggle of groaning, bloody-mouthed zombies were staggering up the road, struggling to negotiate the rush hour traffic.

"Oh bloody hell..." Whispered Heath, staring open mouthed as one Zombie in particular fell in through the open window of a taxi, causing the driver to scream in terror as the Zombie plunged headfirst into the empty back seat.

"What do we do?" Stark asked.

"Err..." Erik replied. "Any ideas?" He turned to Heath.

"KFC?" Heath asked. "Oh come on!" He added at the looks on both Erik and Stark's faces. "It's not like we can do anything...this stuff's always left up to Zoey, Aphrodite and all that lot. We'll just get in the way. The least we can do is go and get a decent lunch." Stark and Erik looked at each other, shrugged and followed Heath up a quiet side street, away from the chaos and terror of the Zombie infested street and towards the spicy, delicious smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken.


	12. Taking Care of Business

**Back to the main storyline...**

**Chapter Twelve – Taking Care of Business**

Kalona continued to slam down the accelerator and soon they were at the House of Night. They pulled up in the parking lot and Kalona dragged Jacob off to his office. There they sat, in total silence, wondering what the hell they were going to do.

"Just because there are a load of Zombies on our tail..." Kalona said suddenly. "That doesn't mean we can't go back to the original plan..."

"What original plan?" Jacob asked. Kalona studied him.

"I didn't create a load of Zombies for nothing you know. I want you to take care of business with three people." Kalona nodded significantly at Jacob.

"What do you mean 'take care of business'?

"I mean..." Kalona said, slowly. "I want you to take care of these people..." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"What do you mean 'take care of...'?

"Look!" Kalona snapped. "Dragon, Lenobia and Anastasia die tonight ok?"

"WHAT???" Jacob yelled, springing out of his chair. "You want me to KILL these people?"

"Glad you twigged..." Kalona snarled. Jacob looked disgusted.

"I can't do that!" He yelled.

"Oh yes you can..." Kalona smiled at him grimly. "Remember that little vow you made..."

"You TRICKED me!!!" Jacob shouted.

"Yes I did." Kalona replied. "And I'm getting bored of the whole outrage thing so can we move on now?" Jacob stared at him dumbstruck. "So..." Kalona went on, glancing at his watch. "I'd get going before Zombie Gang turn up. You'll find it easy. You're stronger than any human or vampire. Ciao." He waved cheerily and Jacob felt himself unable prevent his feet from walking out the door and down the corridor. That vow was obviously more powerful than it had seemed.


	13. Fighting Fiends with Fire

**Sorry this chapter took so long to post. My internet decided it wasn't going to work...**

**Chapter Thirteen – Fighting Fiends with Fire**

Dragon was in the staffroom, re-running the afternoon through his head. Looking back, it hadn't actually gone that badly, no one had died and the Ofsted Inspector had left with her head, always a good sign. He put his empty coffee cup in the sink and returned to the sofa, where he picked up a discarded copy of 'Vogue' and began to read.

Apparently, red was the new black but unfortunately, Dragon was prevented from picking up any more fashion tips by the presence of a young man.

"Can I help?" Dragon asked, appearing from behind his magazine.

"Yes, actually." The boy replied. He seemed a little funny in the head, as his face was contorted in pain, as if he was trying to prevent the words coming out of his mouth. "I'm here to kill you."

"I beg your pardon!" Dragon replied, gobsmacked.

"I'm here to kill you." The boy answered. "Sorry." With that, he lurched across the coffee table and tackled Dragon, the magazine falling to the floor.

"Hang on!" Dragon squawked, batting the boy off with measly slap. "I don't even know your name!"

"It's Jacob Hinderson." The boy said, calmly. "Now stay still..."

"NO!!!" Bellowed Dragon. "I will not bloody stay still!!!"

It was exactly that moment that they heard the groaning...

*

Anastasia had been gardening. It was something she did when she felt stressed and so far today had been the most stressful day of her life. She was tugging at a stubborn rosebush when a mangled corpse fell through the hedge.

Scream doesn't really justify the sound that came out of Anastasia's mouth. It was more of a Banshee howl, terror making every decibel a little bit louder. The corpse got up and tried to eat her. After being hit with a gardening trowel about fifty times, it fell to the floor, not dead yet not in top form either.

Anastasia vaulted over the small garden fence, screaming.

*

Half way through 'Resident Evil' Zoey and the others heard a strange cocktail of sounds drifting in through the open window, screaming being the primary one. Vampires don't scream a lot to be honest, as they tend to be scarier than anything life can throw at them so it was curiosity rather than fear that made Zoey move over to the window and peer out.

Immediately, she wished she hadn't. Zombies had completely overtaken the school, groaning and moaning, ripping and tearing their way through everything and everyone. Nice.

"Er..." Zoey said, turning back to the room. "You might want to take a look." She gestured towards the window. "There's a load of Zombies out there..."

Once the whole Zombie thing had been established, they remained seated, frozen in silent fear.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Damien asked, fear causing his voice to shake.

"We could do the whole 'elements' thing..." Zoey suggested. They all looked at her blankly.

"Against a horde of man-eating Zombies..."

"Not armed at all..."

"Well it's the only idea we have." Zoey said, forcefully. "And I think we should give it a bash..." Reluctantly, they all agreed that, yes. Zoey's idea was the only idea they had and they would just have to give it a go. "If only Stark were here..." Zoey murmured. "He could just shoot a few arrows..."

*

Stark, it turned out, was rather preoccupied with his chicken. It kept falling apart in his hands...

*

"NOOO!" Lenobia yelled as yet another student was turned into a Zombie. It turned out that if a Zombie bit you, you became a Zombie. Fantastic.

The whole school was now out in the courtyard, fighting against these Zombies. Even Neferet had emerged and was chucking board rubbers from the top floor windows, aiming for the head.

*

Meanwhile, Jacob still seemed pretty intent on killing Dragon, something that annoyed Dragon heartily.

"Look!" He panted, in between parries of no doubt fatal blows. "Can't we discuss this?"

"No." Jacob said. "Sorry."

*

Zoey, Damien and Shaunee had managed to set out the candles and were just about to perform the summoning thing when the door burst open and a Zombie staggered in. It trod on one of the lit candles and promptly disappeared in a ball of flame.

"That's it!" Yelled Damien. "Fire!"

"My time to shine..." Shaunee muttered, moving into the centre of the circle. "Fire. Err...it would be really quite nice if you'd help us out here...err..." Fire seemed to be listening as the Zombie caught fire again. "Can you destroy all the dead people? Thanks..." Shaunee finished awkwardly.

It seemed to work though as the Zombie disappeared, leaving only a pile of ash behind...

*

In the courtyard, the Zombies suddenly became a burning pillar of fire and were soon piles of fleshy ash on the floor.

"Well that was sudden..." muttered Lenobia.

*

In the staff room, Dragon found himself fighting with a load of fire. He squealed a leapt back, just in time to see the fire become ash.

Jacob Hinderson was gone.


	14. The Rest of Eternity

**Chapter Fourteen – The Rest of Eternity**

Jacob groaned. Well, he tried to anyway. His current state prohibited it. He was dead again. Great. How had that happened? He thought back to his last moments on Earth. He had been fighting with the vampire they all called Dragon, then he'd felt a strange burning sensation and he'd ended up here.

"Come on Kalona!" He thought frantically. "Summon me!!!"

He'd just have to wait and see what happened...

*

Everyone was too busy cheering and celebrating to be bothered about how the defeat of the Zombies had actually happened. Shaunee was being incredibly smug about the whole thing and everyone except for Erin found it excruciating to be within 13ft of her.

Zoey was particularly miffed about the smugness radiating from Shaunee.

"I save the world loads..." She muttered to Damien. "...but I'm never as unbearable as she is..." Damien hastily agreed although he actually wasn't so sure. The whole 'I'll-get-a-new-tattoo-whenever-I-save-the-day' stunt did sometimes become a bit annoying.

Satisfied she had rubbed it in enough, Shaunee suggested they all carry on watching 'Resident Evil' and so they did, glad of an excuse to halt the conversation.

*

Dragon was sitting in the teacher's lounge, sipping his coffee shakily. He had absolutely no idea what had just happened and was completely terrified of the whole experience. Anastasia knocked on the door and walked in, without waiting for a response.

"What's up with you?" She asked, scrubbing the blood off her Bruce Oldfield Suit with a dishcloth.

"Nothing." Dragon lied. Anastasia looked up from her scrubbing and squinted at him.

"Right." She said, slowly. "That's why you look like you've just survived an assassination attempt." She joked.

"Well..." Dragon began and Anastasia dropped the cloth into the sink.

"WHAT?" She screeched. Dragon explained what had happened to him.

"Oh. My. God." Anastasia gasped. "What the hell?"

"My sentiments exactly..." Dragon agreed.

"What are we going to do?"

"No idea..." They sat in silence, turning possible explanations round in their heads.

*

"Bum." Kalona cursed. He had just walked past the teacher's lounge and had heard the hushed tones of Dragon and Anastasia. They were not dead. Obviously.

He had witnessed the whole 'burning up' escapade although had not realised that Jacob too would have been incinerated. Bum.

Suddenly a thought hit him. Not literally of course. A strand of stray brain matter didn't come hurtling through the air and hit him in the forehead. No. What actually happened was Kalona had a brainwave.

The vow that Jacob had made was a very powerful one, the most powerful one there is in fact, the vow to be a loyal servant until the very end, in Jacob's case, forever. A vow like that had no boundaries, grave or beyond. Bingo.

"Jacob Hinderson..." Kalona said aloud, his words echoing along the deserted corridor. "I command you to come to me from wherever you are..." Then, there was silence...

*

Jacob stirred. That was good news, if he could stir, he could move. He was alive again.

He was getting a bit sick of this actually. He wished that whoever was up there, God or whoever else may lurk in the skies, would make their mind up about whether they wanted him dead or not. It was starting to get a wee bit boring.

He found himself being jerked back to the present, as if he was a puppet and a very stubborn street performer was pulling his strings. Obediently, he was guided through folds and folds of the blackness, letting them overwhelm him until the blackness started to thin and he found himself in a deserted corridor. Well, deserted apart from one man. Kalona.

"You again?!" Jacob exclaimed.

"Yes." Kalona looked a bit sheepish.

"How did you do that?"

"What?"

"Awake me from the dead again?"

"Oh that..." Kalona scratched his head. "The vow you made...you know, the one about serving me for all eternity? Yeah. Well it turns out that was more powerful than death itself...so you're back here because I asked you to be..."

"Oh..." Jacob said, confused. "But you broke your side of the bargain."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you I never wanted to die again, that was my condition."

"Yes?"

"And I died."

"So?"

"So..." Jacob said, slowly. "I am no longer under your spell...You can no longer summon me upon your command...I think..."

"Oh...bum." Something suddenly clicked in Jacob's mind.

"You only summoned me because I asked you to..."

"What?"

"When you broke your side of the bargain...our role reversed. You do as I say this time...Stick your arms in the air." Kalona's arms jerked up into the air, stupidly. "Do the can-can." Kalona obliged, his jig becoming more and more wild with every second of realisation.

"YES!" Jacob whooped, punching the air.

"Oh bum." Whispered Kalona, pathetically.

"As your master..." Jacob said to Kalona. "I command you to obey me for the rest of your life, however long that may be, and never scheme again...Understood." Kalona nodded, whimpering slightly.

Jacob smiled he had a feeling today was going to be good, and if it wasn't who cared? He had the rest of eternity...


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

After the events of 'Zoey Rebird and the Rather Nasty Dead People', several of the people involved chose to lead their lives differently, claiming their lives had been shaken and their outlook on life changed. All of the facts contained within this epilogue were obtained without permission and strictly infiltrate people's human rights to privacy...in case you were wondering.

Neferet

After slapping Lenobia round the face, Neferet decided to attend anger management classes, where, unfortunately, she got angry at the manager and hit him. She now has a permanent boarding position at 'St Arthelthwaite's Home for Complete Nut Jobs' and has a very special room with padded walls. She enjoys ripping up wardrobes with her teeth and screaming incessantly at chandeliers for hours on end.

Dragon and Anastasia

Dragon and Anastasia soon moved to Gloustershire, where they now live with their four dogs and four children, Mucky, Lucky, Paws and Spots...oh no hang on...they were the dogs. They all live happily in a semi-detached house and Dragon owns a greengrocers. Anastasia recently achieved her BA.Q.V.C.T.H award and has become an Ofsted Inspector.

Lenobia

Lenobia has changed her name to Verona Shaw and is currently a Spanish Ice Dancer. Last year she was Hendelburg Himmen, a German Fruit Bat Finder, so this could all change. She enjoys swimming, flying and wombat racing and lives with her two Sea Monkeys ,Gerbil and Bonno.

Zoey Redbird

Zoey soon became the High Priestess and hated every minute of it. The children drove her up the wall and they couldn't even...like...light a candle. After spending two and a half years in Intensive Care, Zoey thought herself ready to rejoin the real world and opened a bookstore in Hammelin.

Erin

Erin recently appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show under the heading 'I Keep Saying 'Ditto' and I Don't Know How to Stop'. This appearance boosted her fame a great deal and she has turned her House of Night experiences into a Broadway show entitled 'Erin and Her Technicolor Vocabulary.'

Damien and Jack

Damien and Jack now own a bakery in Amsterdam and have two cats, one named Peter one named Paul. They also have forty-eight bicycles and fifty-nine windmills.

Shaunee

Shortly after her House of Night victory, Shaunee published a biography of herself. It didn't sell at all and now she rears nits for a living.

Erik, Heath and Stark

After spending approximately 57 hrs in various fast food restaurants, Erik, Heath and Stark each weighed roughly 32 stone each. Each used his newfound weight in different ways. Erik won the lead role in the Broadway show 'Buddha', Heath crushed the whole football stadium at his old High School and Stark replaced the Aswan Dam.

Jacob and Kalona

Tied to serving Jacob for the rest of his life, Kalona waits on every beck and call and lives with Jacob in his monumental palace in Miami. As Leader of the Free World, Jacob took it upon himself to allow every man, woman and child a holiday on the day he was resurrected and lives with his seventy-nine supermodel girlfriends, forty-seven jet-skis and eleven cats.

John McKlean (aka. The Scottish Guy)

Soon after his morgue was ransacked by a load of dead bodies, John moved back to his native Edinburgh where he now earns a living farming pineapples.

Florence Forsett (The Ofsted Inspector)

Florence was soon promoted and became Zoey's boss. Overall, she gave the House of Night an 'Outstanding' although this may have had something to do with the rather large foil Dragon was pointing at her torso. She still lives in Tulsa and enjoys parking her BMW next to less shiny vehicles.

**That's it from me on this story! Hope you liked it!!! If so there's more where that came from. I'm in the process of writing a few more strange fanfics so if you're interested, keep checking my profile!!!**

**See you soon,**

**Asha x**


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